I'd "rather be a bitch than be an ordinary broken heart." Amanda Palmer of the Dresden Dolls

I have, over the course of my life, experienced a lot of rejection from the opposite sex, and at one point, I fancied myself bisexual, only to find myself being rejected by women as well.

I have also, over the course of many years, become a bitch; hardened by the hard knocks of life, bittered and blackened by the phrases "I hope we can stay friends." "It's really not you, it's me." and "I don't deserve you." Which I have learned is male speak for I don't want you.

In most cases, I have been let down lightly, with minimal scarring but I always have this nagging sense that I have to be so much better than I am right now...that someday I'll be so damn beautiful and "he" is going to regret rejecting me, because once I'm thin, I'm working and I'm making my own way, he's gonna want me so bad and he won't be able to have me.

I'm still overweight and unemployed. No one regrets not having me.

What a blow to my ego, my self esteem and my self worth.

I need to work on loving myself and not waiting for someone to love me back to see the gem I really am.

I'm a good person, I have a good heart and even though I am not beautiful on the outside, I believe I have beautiful insides. I just get so caught up on what others see when they look at me, that I sometimes forget that I have so many good things to offer, even if no one seems to want them.

I get a lot of friend requests from men on myspace who claim that they love big beautiful women, but their first question is about sex. Every single one of these men have asked me stupid questions and only want sex. It's so frustrating.

I have tons of reading to do and here I am complaining when I should be focusing on the task at hand. I can't focus because there was a guy I liked and he said he wasn't ready to have a girl friend, but now he's seeing someone else, so the truth was it wasn't that he wasn't ready to have a girl friend, it's that he didn't want ME. That superficial dick.

"But someday we'll all be old and I'll be so damn beautiful." Ana Nalick

So, I guess that's enough venting for today.

Current weight 227.9

Feeling Good

Current weight : 228.4

Weight last Friday : 232.5

My blog from last Friday is gone with the wind and I don't know where it went but I have made some really good progress in my battle with food. Yesterday I started using a food Journal I bought at the end of January instead of using the print outs I have been using.

It was brought to my attention that rice Krispies every morning for breakfast was not a very wise choice. But despite that, I have made some behavioral changes this week that have resulted in a 4 pound weight loss.

I did not cut Starbucks down to once a week, I had it twice, but twice in one week is much better than twice a day.

I am, in point of fact, sitting inside a starbucks right now which is the biggest source of shame for me right now . Starbucks has me by the ovaries and I will find any excuse to come here and enjoy a cup of coffee. I came here to study for my Multicultural Counseling class, but rather than open my book and read what's on the pages, I am online. For shame!

I feel really good about what I am doing, and the support group last night only served to reignite the fire inside, that will to survive, to lose weight and to succeed.

Opioid

I lie awake inside my box.
Handful of dirt from my
final
resting
place.
Flowers lined up
one
by
one
Only lit headlights
in broad day light could
have finalized it this way,
as in my box.
Ive been down there
for years thinking
LIVE thoughts.
RETURNING TO
THE
WOMB
AT LONG LAST.
Having been
born into the ground
allows me to be
fully awake
in the present moment
and at ONE
with the drive.
Now i can return
to the embryonic state from i came.
I AM EMBRYONIC.
DIRT.
I HAVE RETURNED TO
THE WOMB
AT LONG LAST.
JUST
LEAVE
ME
THERE.

D.Herrera

I had a non fat latte and a perfect oatmeal with splenda and none of the toppings it comes with. You know, the nut medley, dried fruit and brown sugar. My daughter likes to eat the nut medley and dried fruit for me. I give it to her as a treat.

I was so proud of her last night. She came up to me with a tangerine and asked me to peel it for her. Then she said, "Isn't fruit so much better than candy?"

Beautiful. I hope I can build upon those healthy habits so when she gets to be my age, she has a healthy relationship with food, and not a food addiction that drives her to self destruct as it does to me.

I feel really good about where my life is going in terms of my weight loss, my academic life and motherhood. I feel that I have so much potential within me, and if I just apply myself and be honest with those who would help me, then I could really go far.

My goal weight loss this week is 1-2 pounds.

I thought I needed another fill, but I think I will wait it out another week and see if I can make some behavioral changes in my eating first. I am going to try not to eat past 7 pm for one week and see if that has any good results.

I am also trying to get back on a regular sleep schedule.

Wish me luck, even though if I apply myself, luck will play no part in my success.

"To infinity, and BEYOND." Buzz Lightyear

Diane Herrera

Luck O' The Irish

I am not Irish, nor do I presume to be, but I am feeling rather superstitious today and feel it would be nice to have an Irish wedding ring, otherwise known as a Claddagh Ring. I saw some beautiful ones on ebay.

"The ring is worn on the right hand with the heart facing outward to show that the wearer is not romantically linked but is looking for love. When turned inwards, it is shown that the wearer is in a relationship, or their heart has been "captured". Noting that the heart is pointing down the hand and into the veins which lead to the wearer's heart. The ring worn on the left hand with the heart facing outward shows the wearer is engaged; turned inward indicates the wearer is married" Quoted from Wikipedia when I did a google search for Claddagh Ring Meanings

Maybe it's not superstition as much as it is I am hoping someone will notice that I am wearing the ring in the way that indicates I am not in a relationship, but looking for love.

On another note, I have been making some big behavioral changes regarding my eating for....2 days....better late than never, right? I realized yesterday that since November 10th of 2009, I have only managed to lose 5.3 pounds. Thats less than 2 pounds per month, when my goal had been 2 pounds per week.

So, I began eating healthier yesterday and I didn't go to Starbucks yesterday. I am trying to only go once a week as a reward and then only have something light or nonfat. So far, so good, although the temptation to roll through the Starbucks drive through is intense.

My car has a mind of its own. It just drives me through the Starbucks drive through against my will and once I am at the Window, well, what can I really say? "MY DAEWOO MADE ME DO IT?" so then I order something.

I guess it doesn't really happen this way, but it may as well.

Even though the number on the scale doesn't show a big decrease, my pant size shows a decrease, my waist size and my body feels some how thinner.

Above is a picture of me in December of 2009 and one a few days ago. I think I have made some progress even though the scale only shows a 5.3 pound weight loss.

Can anyone give me any suggestions because I want to see the number on the scale go down alongside my waist size. Maybe it's an Ego thing, I don't know.

My good friend had Lap Band surgery this morning and I feel so inspired to get back on track and know that we can support each other, go on walks together and be allies on our weight loss journey. I feel so happy that I finally have someone to share this with.

I have to cut this short because I have a class in half an hour. but when I get home at 9:20 I will catch up on the blogs on my list.

Diane Herrera

One Moment At a Time (found my lost blog. it was saved in drafts)

I don't know why, but I tend to take things one week at a time, when in reality it should be one day at a time, and sometimes one moment at a time.

I really want to do the right thing and get healthy, but something always gets in the way. It's my obsession with Starbucks and carbohydrates. It's my lack of exercise and lack of commitment.

It's really easy for me to say I will make the changes tomorrow but tomorrow never seems to come. I NEED TO MAKE THE CHANGES RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW!

Today is one of those one moment at a time days. I only think I am hungry. I just ate about an hour ago and I already want to eat again. No wonder I am not losing weight. One moment at a time, Diane, one moment. Just for right now, we are not going to eat.

I really need to increase my intake of water. Maybe I could have a little water with a lemon twist.

Can anyone recommend a good, no calorie sweetener? I usually use Splenda but I have been hearing a lot about stevia and I was wondering how it tasted.

Current Weight: 232.5

size 14- Small Dreams

Today, I was given 5 pairs of beautiful capri pants. I love them, but there is a slight problem that prevents me from wearing these pants- They are size 14 and I am a size 22. I comfortably fit into a size 22 but it is a big improvement (in my eyes and maybe mine only) because not that long ago, I was wearing a size 26 with very much difficulty. I have already managed to go down 4 sizes.

8 more sizes does not sounds so outlandish. It even seems like something I can readily accomplish within the next 6 months or sooner if I really apply myself to my weight loss/exercise/eating right regime.

I have small (clothes) dreams.

I must admit, that this week has not been a good one behaviorally. I have gone to Starbucks everyday this week and on some days twice a day ,except for Monday.

My goal was to lose 2-3 pounds by Saturday, February 13th, 2010

My weight on February 6th was 231.8 pounds

My current weight today (Thursday 2/11/10) is 231.5

So even though I have made some mistakes, and I have not accomplished a single one of the goals I set last week, I have still not gained weight, which is no consolation because I didn't achieve my goal of 2-3 pounds.

Maybe I will weigh a little less in the morning. It is, after all, the end of the night. Whatever helps me sleep better, right?

It's never too late to start over again.

I am going to start my new week promptly tomorrow morning.

Goal for Friday, February 19th, 2010- to weigh 229.5 pounds

My current weight: 231.5

Powerless?

I have a hard admitting that I am powerless over food, even when the compulsion to go through the Starbucks drive through is so great that I some times roll through there 2 or 3 times a day, which I am sure is responsible for the slowing down of my weight loss or at least partially responsible.

I admit, it is making my life unmanageable, but powerless?

I used to get mad at my mom because after I had the surgery when I was on the full liquid diet, I would go to Starbucks and come home with a nonfat, sugar free latte that was only like 90 calories if I drank the whole thing which I never did, and I used to get mad at her because she'd say things like....you are having an iced non fat latte now, but it wont be long before you are back to having 2 frappucinos a day.

I formulated a response to this and waited for days and weeks, but the opportunity never presented itself. I was going to say to her if i ever saw her drinking a glass of wine, I would say, A glass of wine today, a crack pipe tomorrow. Which of course, couldn't be further from the truth.

When I finally did see her having a glass of wine like 3 months later, I couldn't say it anymore because I realized her prediction had in a sense come true.

Maybe I wasn't having 2 frapuccinos a day, but man, I was downing 2 or 3 iced coffees a day and gradually, I shifted from sugar free syrup and non fat milk, to chocolate syrup and half and half, all leading up to today where I had a frapucino.

I have some shame surrounding how often I frequent Starbucks and starting today I am going to try to give 3 things up.

1. Starbucks

2. Bread

3. Pasta

Just for today I wont go to Starbucks and one day at a time, I wont eat bread or pasta.

My Current Weight is: 231.8

Goal: Lose 2 to 3 pounds by next Saturday.

Goals

1. Consistent, rigorously honest food journal.

Committing and admitting my food to my food sponsor.

2. Getting regular cardio and strength training exercise.

*Nintendo Wii

*Treadmill

*Weights and weight machines

But mainly walks around my neighborhood and Nintendo Wii.

I can do this!

Puff The Magic Dragon

I have really been craving a cigarette and a big, fat, greasy cheeseburger today. But mostly, I feel like smoking a Marlboro 100, even though I don't really smoke anymore. I keep saying I have quit, and by all means, I have, but I still feel like a smoker. Anytime I smell the awful, aromatic smell of cigarette smoke, I start feeling like someone has forced me to quit smoking and I am entitled to smoke if I damn well please...I'm gonna try to hold out until the first of February...

As for my weight..I am frustrated to say the least. I am back up from 229.3 on January 10th, to 232.8 today, which is January 21st, 2010. That's a 3.5 pound weight gain. I have been so depressed and lethargic these past few days, ever since I noticed that my weight was going up, rather than down.

I stopped watching my food intake and just gave in to the fuck its. The fuck it brothers made an uninvited appearance on Monday and they have refused to leave. "F*ck this, F*ck that, F*ck them, F*ck it all. I heard of this medication made from Marijuana called fukitol. HA HA HA HA....You know, like marinol? FUKITOL! I'm sure it doesn't really exist and if it did, well, my brain naturally produces a wide range of FUKITOL.

I went to the gym today and barely got one measly mile out of the treadmill. I normally do 1 and a half, but today, I just didn't want to do it. Not only did I walk half a mile less but I walked it much slower. Got my heart rate up to 132 when normally, my max is 162. I guess I am just tired of working my ass off and seeing no results.

But Diane, it's only been 3 weeks, don't you think

you should give it more time before giving up?

Maybe try a little bit harder?

Tomorrow, tomorrow, is only a day away. I plan on playing my Nintendo Wii tonight and every morning for the next 7 days. It's good exercise, it really is.

I am going to re-start my food journal tomorrow, as well as an exercise log.

I saw this quote on another blog called : Angi and the Lap Band

http://angiandthelapband.blogspot.com/2007/09/me-and-wls.html

"SURGERY IS NOT THE MAGIC PILL WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR. YOU WILL NOT WAKE UP THIN. YOU MUST BE WILLING TO MEET THE BAND HALF WAY. YOU WILL LOSE WEIGHT AT A DIFFERENT PACE THAN YOUR FRIENDS. YOU MUST CHANGE YOUR BEHAVIOR FOR THIS TO WORK. IT IS A TOOL-AND NOTHING MORE. AN ELECTRIC MIXER IS EASIER THAN MIXING BY HAND BUT YOU STILL HAVE TO FOLLOW THE RECIPE FOR THE CAKE TO TASTE GOOD." ~R.MCCOY

This really makes sense to me! Its time

for me to meet the band half way and do

some foot work!

i can't take the caps lock off, i don't

know why. It's really irritating.

I will type smaller so it doesn't seem like i am shouting.

Anyway, it's time for me to get off my pity pot and get

motivated.

Until tomorrow.

Diane

The Intoxication Of Expectation

Living with my mother is enough to drive any sane mind crazy, but when you couple that with someone who already has a history of mental illness, the results are often catastrophic.

There are so many expectations I have to live up to, and it's never enough. I have learned, painfully, that expectations are resentments in the making. I try not to have any expectations of anyone. When I expect people to do certain things, or act in a certain way, I am setting myself up for resentment, which in turn only hurts me.

Resentments are like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to get sick. You drank the poison, so you're the one whose getting sick! Resentments are poison. Then you try to get even but what I have also learned is that getting even almost always means getting even SICKER!

On another note: My weight loss has been slow these past couple of months and I don't understand why, at least not these past few weeks. I've been working out harder than I ever have in my entire life, I have been keeping a strict food journal and really watching what I eat, yet I show an almost 4 pound weight gain in the the past 8 days.

Something is wrong here and I don't know what it is. Do I need to work out even harder? Do I need to eat even less? I've been really stressing out over my weight, specifically the consistent lack of loss.

I have considered going back to weight watchers or even trying something completely new like Jenny Craig. I have a friend who is losing weight through Jenny Craig.

I thought that after I got banded that the pounds would just melt off. I was wrong. I am just now beginning to understand all of the work that needs to be put in for the surgery to be successful and how I cannot afford to just sit on my laurels and just wait for things to happen on their own.

I am really taking a look at my own behavior, especially when it comes to eating and I have done really well these past few weeks, yet the number on the scale does not reflect this effort on my part. It really makes me want to dive into a bag of flaming hot cheetos, twinkies, chocolate peanut buttercups and caramel frappuccinos. I have really resisted the urge to eat myself sick today, even though it seems like I am doing all this hard work for nothing.

I guess I need to commit to my weight loss even further and with twice as much enthusiasm. Instead of working out 4 days a weeks, maybe I should be doing some sort of cardiovascular exercise every single day! EVERY SINGLE DAY!

I have my mother's full support, but she is difficult at times and hard to handle. I don't know how I make it through some days around here, especially tonight.

I just have to have faith that things will work out in the end as long as I do what I need to do to succeed.

Starting the new year off right.

I got a new fill on New Years Eve. I had gained a pound
in the 6 weeks since I had last seen my doctor. I felt some shame surrounding that because my goal had been to lose a pound a week, or at very least not gain any more weight.

So I started going to the gym and working out on my moms Nintendo Wii. I also started keeping a strict food journal where I wrote down everything I ate, even vegetables and fruits and I calculated how many calories, fat grams, etc, I had consumed for that day.

I went from 235.5 on the first of January to 229.3 as of today.

There is still much progress to be made.

I have quit smoking this year, which has proven to be a very daunting task. Every minute of every day, I want to smoke and it feels as though it gets harder and harder every day. I can't explain the phenomenon of craving.

What it is that drives me to self destruct?

I want this year to be a good year in all areas of my life. On December 15th I celebrated 2 years clean and sober and this was something I never thought I would accomplish.

So now it's time to do more meetings, exercise more, refrain from smoking and work a rigorously honest program. After all, no one will do it for me.

That's all for now, folks,
over and out.
Diane Herrera