The Intoxication Of Expectation

Living with my mother is enough to drive any sane mind crazy, but when you couple that with someone who already has a history of mental illness, the results are often catastrophic.

There are so many expectations I have to live up to, and it's never enough. I have learned, painfully, that expectations are resentments in the making. I try not to have any expectations of anyone. When I expect people to do certain things, or act in a certain way, I am setting myself up for resentment, which in turn only hurts me.

Resentments are like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to get sick. You drank the poison, so you're the one whose getting sick! Resentments are poison. Then you try to get even but what I have also learned is that getting even almost always means getting even SICKER!

On another note: My weight loss has been slow these past couple of months and I don't understand why, at least not these past few weeks. I've been working out harder than I ever have in my entire life, I have been keeping a strict food journal and really watching what I eat, yet I show an almost 4 pound weight gain in the the past 8 days.

Something is wrong here and I don't know what it is. Do I need to work out even harder? Do I need to eat even less? I've been really stressing out over my weight, specifically the consistent lack of loss.

I have considered going back to weight watchers or even trying something completely new like Jenny Craig. I have a friend who is losing weight through Jenny Craig.

I thought that after I got banded that the pounds would just melt off. I was wrong. I am just now beginning to understand all of the work that needs to be put in for the surgery to be successful and how I cannot afford to just sit on my laurels and just wait for things to happen on their own.

I am really taking a look at my own behavior, especially when it comes to eating and I have done really well these past few weeks, yet the number on the scale does not reflect this effort on my part. It really makes me want to dive into a bag of flaming hot cheetos, twinkies, chocolate peanut buttercups and caramel frappuccinos. I have really resisted the urge to eat myself sick today, even though it seems like I am doing all this hard work for nothing.

I guess I need to commit to my weight loss even further and with twice as much enthusiasm. Instead of working out 4 days a weeks, maybe I should be doing some sort of cardiovascular exercise every single day! EVERY SINGLE DAY!

I have my mother's full support, but she is difficult at times and hard to handle. I don't know how I make it through some days around here, especially tonight.

I just have to have faith that things will work out in the end as long as I do what I need to do to succeed.