Monday, March 1, 2010

I'd "rather be a bitch than be an ordinary broken heart." Amanda Palmer of the Dresden Dolls

I have, over the course of my life, experienced a lot of rejection from the opposite sex, and at one point, I fancied myself bisexual, only to find myself being rejected by women as well.

I have also, over the course of many years, become a bitch; hardened by the hard knocks of life, bittered and blackened by the phrases "I hope we can stay friends." "It's really not you, it's me." and "I don't deserve you." Which I have learned is male speak for I don't want you.

In most cases, I have been let down lightly, with minimal scarring but I always have this nagging sense that I have to be so much better than I am right now...that someday I'll be so damn beautiful and "he" is going to regret rejecting me, because once I'm thin, I'm working and I'm making my own way, he's gonna want me so bad and he won't be able to have me.

I'm still overweight and unemployed. No one regrets not having me.
What a blow to my ego, my self esteem and my self worth.

I need to work on loving myself and not waiting for someone to love me back to see the gem I really am.

I'm a good person, I have a good heart and even though I am not beautiful on the outside, I believe I have beautiful insides. I just get so caught up on what others see when they look at me, that I sometimes forget that I have so many good things to offer, even if no one seems to want them.

I get a lot of friend requests from men on myspace who claim that they love big beautiful women, but their first question is about sex. Every single one of these men have asked me stupid questions and only want sex. It's so frustrating.

I have tons of reading to do and here I am complaining when I should be focusing on the task at hand. I can't focus because there was a guy I liked and he said he wasn't ready to have a girl friend, but now he's seeing someone else, so the truth was it wasn't that he wasn't ready to have a girl friend, it's that he didn't want ME. That superficial dick.
"But someday we'll all be old and I'll be so damn beautiful." Ana Nalick

So, I guess that's enough venting for today.

Current weight 227.9

2 comments:

  1. You are right that you have to love yourself first in order to attract people who are capable of loving you back. But you are dead wrong about being unattractive!

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  2. My whole life I have thought of myself as an ugly duckling, hoping with all my might that someday, a swan would emerge. I have always felt ugly, even when I was at a good weight for me. I have always felt fat, even when I was only plump, and my whole life I was made to believe I was sick when I really wasn't, and now I really am sick. After a while, you start to believe the lie, it becomes a part of you, then you wake up one day, you're 22 years old and you realize you are one seriously fucked up individual.

    That has been my experience. I am going to start reciting positive affirmations every day. My first one will be something to the effect of...I am loving and lovable.

    Or someone else's affirmation, who shall remain anonymous.

    she says "I am not what I want to be, I'm not what I could be, but I thank god I'm not what I used to be."

    she is very wise.

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