Puff The Magic Dragon

I have really been craving a cigarette and a big, fat, greasy cheeseburger today. But mostly, I feel like smoking a Marlboro 100, even though I don't really smoke anymore. I keep saying I have quit, and by all means, I have, but I still feel like a smoker. Anytime I smell the awful, aromatic smell of cigarette smoke, I start feeling like someone has forced me to quit smoking and I am entitled to smoke if I damn well please...I'm gonna try to hold out until the first of February...

As for my weight..I am frustrated to say the least. I am back up from 229.3 on January 10th, to 232.8 today, which is January 21st, 2010. That's a 3.5 pound weight gain. I have been so depressed and lethargic these past few days, ever since I noticed that my weight was going up, rather than down.

I stopped watching my food intake and just gave in to the fuck its. The fuck it brothers made an uninvited appearance on Monday and they have refused to leave. "F*ck this, F*ck that, F*ck them, F*ck it all. I heard of this medication made from Marijuana called fukitol. HA HA HA HA....You know, like marinol? FUKITOL! I'm sure it doesn't really exist and if it did, well, my brain naturally produces a wide range of FUKITOL.

I went to the gym today and barely got one measly mile out of the treadmill. I normally do 1 and a half, but today, I just didn't want to do it. Not only did I walk half a mile less but I walked it much slower. Got my heart rate up to 132 when normally, my max is 162. I guess I am just tired of working my ass off and seeing no results.

But Diane, it's only been 3 weeks, don't you think

you should give it more time before giving up?

Maybe try a little bit harder?

Tomorrow, tomorrow, is only a day away. I plan on playing my Nintendo Wii tonight and every morning for the next 7 days. It's good exercise, it really is.

I am going to re-start my food journal tomorrow, as well as an exercise log.

I saw this quote on another blog called : Angi and the Lap Band

http://angiandthelapband.blogspot.com/2007/09/me-and-wls.html

"SURGERY IS NOT THE MAGIC PILL WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR. YOU WILL NOT WAKE UP THIN. YOU MUST BE WILLING TO MEET THE BAND HALF WAY. YOU WILL LOSE WEIGHT AT A DIFFERENT PACE THAN YOUR FRIENDS. YOU MUST CHANGE YOUR BEHAVIOR FOR THIS TO WORK. IT IS A TOOL-AND NOTHING MORE. AN ELECTRIC MIXER IS EASIER THAN MIXING BY HAND BUT YOU STILL HAVE TO FOLLOW THE RECIPE FOR THE CAKE TO TASTE GOOD." ~R.MCCOY

This really makes sense to me! Its time

for me to meet the band half way and do

some foot work!

i can't take the caps lock off, i don't

know why. It's really irritating.

I will type smaller so it doesn't seem like i am shouting.

Anyway, it's time for me to get off my pity pot and get

motivated.

Until tomorrow.

Diane

The Intoxication Of Expectation

Living with my mother is enough to drive any sane mind crazy, but when you couple that with someone who already has a history of mental illness, the results are often catastrophic.

There are so many expectations I have to live up to, and it's never enough. I have learned, painfully, that expectations are resentments in the making. I try not to have any expectations of anyone. When I expect people to do certain things, or act in a certain way, I am setting myself up for resentment, which in turn only hurts me.

Resentments are like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to get sick. You drank the poison, so you're the one whose getting sick! Resentments are poison. Then you try to get even but what I have also learned is that getting even almost always means getting even SICKER!

On another note: My weight loss has been slow these past couple of months and I don't understand why, at least not these past few weeks. I've been working out harder than I ever have in my entire life, I have been keeping a strict food journal and really watching what I eat, yet I show an almost 4 pound weight gain in the the past 8 days.

Something is wrong here and I don't know what it is. Do I need to work out even harder? Do I need to eat even less? I've been really stressing out over my weight, specifically the consistent lack of loss.

I have considered going back to weight watchers or even trying something completely new like Jenny Craig. I have a friend who is losing weight through Jenny Craig.

I thought that after I got banded that the pounds would just melt off. I was wrong. I am just now beginning to understand all of the work that needs to be put in for the surgery to be successful and how I cannot afford to just sit on my laurels and just wait for things to happen on their own.

I am really taking a look at my own behavior, especially when it comes to eating and I have done really well these past few weeks, yet the number on the scale does not reflect this effort on my part. It really makes me want to dive into a bag of flaming hot cheetos, twinkies, chocolate peanut buttercups and caramel frappuccinos. I have really resisted the urge to eat myself sick today, even though it seems like I am doing all this hard work for nothing.

I guess I need to commit to my weight loss even further and with twice as much enthusiasm. Instead of working out 4 days a weeks, maybe I should be doing some sort of cardiovascular exercise every single day! EVERY SINGLE DAY!

I have my mother's full support, but she is difficult at times and hard to handle. I don't know how I make it through some days around here, especially tonight.

I just have to have faith that things will work out in the end as long as I do what I need to do to succeed.

Starting the new year off right.

I got a new fill on New Years Eve. I had gained a pound
in the 6 weeks since I had last seen my doctor. I felt some shame surrounding that because my goal had been to lose a pound a week, or at very least not gain any more weight.

So I started going to the gym and working out on my moms Nintendo Wii. I also started keeping a strict food journal where I wrote down everything I ate, even vegetables and fruits and I calculated how many calories, fat grams, etc, I had consumed for that day.

I went from 235.5 on the first of January to 229.3 as of today.

There is still much progress to be made.

I have quit smoking this year, which has proven to be a very daunting task. Every minute of every day, I want to smoke and it feels as though it gets harder and harder every day. I can't explain the phenomenon of craving.

What it is that drives me to self destruct?

I want this year to be a good year in all areas of my life. On December 15th I celebrated 2 years clean and sober and this was something I never thought I would accomplish.

So now it's time to do more meetings, exercise more, refrain from smoking and work a rigorously honest program. After all, no one will do it for me.

That's all for now, folks,
over and out.
Diane Herrera