The Intoxication Of Expectation

Living with my mother is enough to drive any sane mind crazy, but when you couple that with someone who already has a history of mental illness, the results are often catastrophic.

There are so many expectations I have to live up to, and it's never enough. I have learned, painfully, that expectations are resentments in the making. I try not to have any expectations of anyone. When I expect people to do certain things, or act in a certain way, I am setting myself up for resentment, which in turn only hurts me.

Resentments are like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to get sick. You drank the poison, so you're the one whose getting sick! Resentments are poison. Then you try to get even but what I have also learned is that getting even almost always means getting even SICKER!

On another note: My weight loss has been slow these past couple of months and I don't understand why, at least not these past few weeks. I've been working out harder than I ever have in my entire life, I have been keeping a strict food journal and really watching what I eat, yet I show an almost 4 pound weight gain in the the past 8 days.

Something is wrong here and I don't know what it is. Do I need to work out even harder? Do I need to eat even less? I've been really stressing out over my weight, specifically the consistent lack of loss.

I have considered going back to weight watchers or even trying something completely new like Jenny Craig. I have a friend who is losing weight through Jenny Craig.

I thought that after I got banded that the pounds would just melt off. I was wrong. I am just now beginning to understand all of the work that needs to be put in for the surgery to be successful and how I cannot afford to just sit on my laurels and just wait for things to happen on their own.

I am really taking a look at my own behavior, especially when it comes to eating and I have done really well these past few weeks, yet the number on the scale does not reflect this effort on my part. It really makes me want to dive into a bag of flaming hot cheetos, twinkies, chocolate peanut buttercups and caramel frappuccinos. I have really resisted the urge to eat myself sick today, even though it seems like I am doing all this hard work for nothing.

I guess I need to commit to my weight loss even further and with twice as much enthusiasm. Instead of working out 4 days a weeks, maybe I should be doing some sort of cardiovascular exercise every single day! EVERY SINGLE DAY!

I have my mother's full support, but she is difficult at times and hard to handle. I don't know how I make it through some days around here, especially tonight.

I just have to have faith that things will work out in the end as long as I do what I need to do to succeed.

Starting the new year off right.

I got a new fill on New Years Eve. I had gained a pound
in the 6 weeks since I had last seen my doctor. I felt some shame surrounding that because my goal had been to lose a pound a week, or at very least not gain any more weight.

So I started going to the gym and working out on my moms Nintendo Wii. I also started keeping a strict food journal where I wrote down everything I ate, even vegetables and fruits and I calculated how many calories, fat grams, etc, I had consumed for that day.

I went from 235.5 on the first of January to 229.3 as of today.

There is still much progress to be made.

I have quit smoking this year, which has proven to be a very daunting task. Every minute of every day, I want to smoke and it feels as though it gets harder and harder every day. I can't explain the phenomenon of craving.

What it is that drives me to self destruct?

I want this year to be a good year in all areas of my life. On December 15th I celebrated 2 years clean and sober and this was something I never thought I would accomplish.

So now it's time to do more meetings, exercise more, refrain from smoking and work a rigorously honest program. After all, no one will do it for me.

That's all for now, folks,
over and out.
Diane Herrera

Morbidly Obese

My name is Diane H. I am 25 years old and I have, over a period of many years become what doctors commonly refer to as "morbidly obese." The words resonate in my head like a terrible nightmare I can never wake up from, like a monstrous lie in the face of one of my many delusions; People will accept me as I am.

This is not true. For years, my obesity has kept people from seeing who I truly am. I have always felt that people were judging me based on my outward, physical appearance, and as a result of this judgement, I don't go on many dates. Most people only see what I carry on the outside, which is now, over 100 pounds of excess body weight. Nobody sees the fact that I am a real person underneath all this fat. A real person with real a real soul, feelings, dreams, fears and hopes for the future.

I find it rather sad, that at 25 years old, I have never been in a relationship that lasted longer than 4 months, and even then, that was over 10 years ago. I have always felt that if people gave me a chance, if I could share my life with another human being, then things wouldn't be as bad.

Those are lies that I must quickly dispel. The New Year is fast approaching and this year, my biggest new years resolution is to accept myself and love myself exactly as I am because I always put conditions on my love for myself, such as, I will love myself once I lose X amount of pounds, I will love myself when so and so loves me, etc. This year, I will accept everything about me that others find so aesthetically unpleasing.

I guess now would be a good time to mention that on New Years day, It will be 4 months since I had Lap Band surgery and have lost 40 pounds since that time, going from 273 pounds to 233 pounds.

I am creating this blog to talk about the challenges I face on my journey to the center of Diane, my journey towards weight loss, Self esteem and good health.

"It's been a long December and there's reason to believe, maybe this year will be better than the last." The Counting Crows,

Yes, 2010 will be my year to truy shine, come out of my shell, put my dancing shoes on and let my hair down in the most literal sense of the word rhat I can imagine.

To become the mother and daughter I set out to be a long time ago. To find out who I really am and what I am really made of.

This is my journey. Over and Out.
Diane Herrera